Men like rear ends — no ifs, ands or butts about it!
A butt is a terrible thing to hide. Nothing bums me out quite so much as the sight of a cardigan tied around a woman’s waist, or any other rump-wrapping fashion that too many women use to conceal the God-given splendor of their primary physical asset. I also hate it when my female friends do that thing where they look down over their shoulder, frown and turn to me and ask, “Does my butt look bad?” You see, for men, there’s no such thing as a bad-looking butt. Show me any ol’ rear end — something that you think is too big, too small, too round, too Betty Boop — and I’ll find you at least a dozen men who think it’s the defining vision of womanly perfection. You see, just like British soccer teams and single-malt scotch, every kind of behind has its male aficionados. Skeptical? Have a seat and listen up:
Big Booty:
No Ass: For the less-is-more kind of man, the so-called cute little butt is all about an emphasis on the word little. Case study: my buddy Jeff. As long as I’ve known him, he’s pursued women who don’t have a lot in their rearview mirrors. “Personally, I like skinny girls. Short, tall, doesn’t matter,” says Jeff, himself a beanpole, whose most recent girlfriend was 5’8″ and maybe weighed 125 pounds soaking wet. “A lot of the package for me is the kind of behind that just disappears in a pair of 501s.” Now before you go wiring your jaw shut, bear in mind: I know lots of guys who don’t have much use for a boo-tay they can’t get a good grip on.
The Big Ol’ Butt: Is bigger better? For many men, most definitely. I’m talking Mae West-size here — the kind of body part that’s just so planetary, a guy’s attention can’t help but revolve around it every once in a while (like, say, a few times a day).”It’s like a physical embodiment of confidence,” says Marc, “when a woman has a queen-size butt and doesn’t try to hide it. That’s plain sexy.” Is it a requirement for gaining a guy like Marc’s attention? “No way, it’s more of an added bonus. The truth is, I’ve never met a butt I didn’t like.”
The Athletic Ass: For some men, the sign of a quality rear end isn’t dictated by its shape, width or girth, but by its ability to crack open a walnut. OK, I’m grossing everybody out here, but you know what I’m talking about: It’s that highly aerobicized muscle mass pumping away in the front row of your Spinning class. The finely tuned athletic ass says a lot. Namely, that this woman is in excellent shape. “I’m not like only a butt guy or anything,” says my gym partner, Dave, “but the really toned athletic ones turn me on. It’s a pretty good sign that she takes care of the rest of her body. And if she looks like a jock, I assume she has stamina — which means good things for the pursuit of certain indoor sports.”
The Bubble Butt: It’s hard for a guy not to notice that extra-round kind of booty known as the bubble or shelf butt. You know the type: It sticks straight out, and from the side sort of looks like a lowercase b. “It’s got a whole personality of its own,” says Carl, who’s dated just about every kind of rear in the book, but seems to have a soft spot for shelf butts on which you can rest a fantasy-football-league trophy (uhh, hypothetically speaking, of course). “I like the way the big curves make their presence known under leggings, shorts, a flight-attendant skirt, you name it.” The bubble butt, of course, doesn’t require that much imagination to visualize in the buff. Therein lies its magic.
The Ample Ass: By this, I mean the big butt on a big woman. If a guy’s attracted to a large lady, her rear end is a very important element of the cuddly package. “What do they say, The bigger the cushion, the better the pushin’? Well, I hate to be crude here,” says my crude friend Garrett, “but it’s 100 percent true.” The proportionally big bottom isn’t something you see butt naked on movie screens too often, but according to Garrett, it’s always a welcome sight. And, he adds, “once you’ve got your hands on the seat of a Rubenesque woman, it’s hard to settle for less.”
My Tail: So what’s my idea of the perfect ass? Well, for me, it’s not so much the can, but how you use it. I like a woman with a little funk in the trunk: who walks with confidence, dances with style and doesn’t mind if I decide to slide my hand into her back pocket. I’ve fallen for a lot of butts over the years — some big, some small, one with a tattoo of Yoda — but only after I fell in love with the brain found at the other end of the woman’s spinal cord. It’s a package deal, after all, and there’s no point in liking her bottom but not her top.